


Please, Give me Mercy no More

by aomugetsu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Hurt/Comfort, KuroKen - Freeform, Love Triangles, M/M, Song: It Will Come Back (Hozier), Title from a Hozier Song, Unrequited Love, kenhina - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:08:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aomugetsu/pseuds/aomugetsu
Summary: in which kuroo desperately tries to untangle himself from the firm grip kenma has on his heart while his best friend gets caught up in someone else.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou (Platonic), Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	Please, Give me Mercy no More

kuroo had known kenma kozume practically his entire life, or at least what mattered of it.

he had met him when he was still this extremely shy and secluded boy who could barely bear to be looked at for more than ten seconds. and he had learned to care for kenma when he was still this willingly isolated kid who almost passed out every time kuroo asked him to practice with him.

and amidst the process of growing up and finding himself, kuroo had fallen in love.

kuroo was 16 when he finally grasped the actual nature of his feelings for his best friend, when kenma got into nekoma. there was just something about seeing the boy he kept to himself interacting with the people he basically lives with.  
it was exhilarating seeing this person he cares about so much progressively finding his place.

that’s when he witnessed feelings seeping through him as if his heart was the most porous material ever known to man.

his love lays in kenma’s almost imperceptible excited smile when he gets his hands on something he’s interested in. it lays in the playful jokes he attacks his friends with, witty remarks on the tip of his tongue always ready to be spilled out.  
it lays in his unimpressed stares and fucked up sleeping schedule kuroo’s always scolding him about.

by the time he had understood the depth of his feelings for kenma, love had already climbed up his body and nestled itself deep in his blood, his heart, his brain.

ironically, his love ran through him like oxygen.

but alas, it appeared kuroo wasn’t lucky in the love department.

it was actually bokuto who forced him to notice during one of their hanging out days during their third year of high school. bokuto and the usual bluntness of his tone.

« kuroo, did you confess to kenma or something ? »

if he’s being honest, kuroo almost spit out his drink right then and there, eyes widened at his friend’s interrogation. he hadn’t talked to anyone about his feelings yet, being himself still in the process of understanding them.

« the hell do you mean ? »  
« i’ve noticed you liked him a while ago now. and he’s looking... i don’t know... a little more fired up ? well, as much as someone like kenma can get fired up. i feel like he’s straightened his posture up a bit, and he has that wicked side smile of his plastered on his face at the most random times. i don’t wanna get ahead of myself, but he looks like a guy in love, in his own kenma-like way. so i just assumed you finally made your move. »

kuroo stayed silent at that, realization creeping up on him like an unwanted virus, plaguing both mind and body.

« oi, kuroo... didn’t you ? confess, i mean ? »  
« no. no, i didn’t. »

and when he and kenma hung out that night at his place, some unknown video game kuroo was clearly not focusing on flashing across the television screen, the younger one spoke up.

« i think there’s a guy that i like. »

kuroo loved everything about kenma. he really did, even the most repulsive aspects of him that he knew by heart.  
but for once in his damn life, he wished kenma wouldn’t be so frank. because he couldn’t help but flinch at his words.

« oh, is that so ? »

kuroo was honestly baffled by the way he managed to keep up his usual tough and suave front while simultaneously getting his heart ripped out of his chest.

kenma faintly nodded, eyes still fixated on the game, in which kuroo had lost interest a long time ago.

« may i ask who the lucky man is ? »

his question was followed by silence. and for anyone else, it might have seemed normal : admitting your feelings for someone usually comes with red cheeks, an irrepressible smile and a slight shyness in your tone. so it shouldn’t have been weird for him that kenma took his time to build up the courage to tell him. 

but it lasted just a second too long for kuroo not to understand its actual meaning and weight.

« it’s hinata. from karasuno. »  
« that first year shrimpy huh ? yeah i can kinda see that happening. »

there it is again.  
that sharp intake of breath coming from kenma’s mouth, the subtle stop of his nimble fingers previously tapping away at the controller, the quick frown of his brows and that little crease in between them that doesn’t quite go away when his face relaxes again.

« yeah well you won’t see it happening though. »  
« what do you mean ? why wouldn’t i ? »  
« because he’s in love with that kageyama guy. »

oh.

“great, stuck in a goddamn love triangle, that’s exactly what i needed” is what kuroo’s thinking.

« he told me yesterday when i came to help him practice his spikes. he thinks he’s gonna confess by the end of the year. and from the way blueberry boy looks at him, there’s no doubt in my mind they’ll end up together. »

kuroo swallows the lump in his throat as he observes kenma’s jaw clenching, his body feeling smaller, like he’s shrinking away from him – and probably from everyone else – trying to shield himself from that inevitable pain.

« i’m sorry, kenma. i really am. do you wanna talk about it... maybe ? »

the game ends and kenma finally lays his golden eyes on kuroo, the oldest feeling his breath hitch in his throat at the sight of his love’s earnest and resigned expression.

« no, i don’t. just focus on the game and help me level up. »

and so kuroo adjusts his grip on the controller, eyes turning back to the screen with a small nod, fully focused on the game.  
but not so focused that he doesn’t hear the soft whisper coming from the person beside him, significantly closer than they were before.

« and let me cry on your shoulder the day he tells him. that’s all i ask of you. »

a little smile in the corner of his mouth, a teasing hand rubbing the top of kenma’s head as the younger one grunts and pushes it away, kuroo understood.

who was he to deny him ?

and so that very summer day, the day hinata walked over to kageyama with a little skip in his step ; the day kenma witnessed the slight curl of hinata’s mouth as he told the other setter those words he so desperately wanted for himself ; the day kageyama had blushed furiously before wrapping his arms firmly around the redhead’s form ; the day kenma allowed himself to actually break down, kuroo was there.

kenma shattered quietly, that’s what kuroo noticed. 

maybe because letting himself be loud about his pain was still too much to allow and he couldn’t bear to let anyone know just how much he was hurting.  
he was just sitting there next to kuroo, forehead resting against his best friend’s shoulder, fingers gripping his shirt so tightly kuroo actually thought it might just tear apart, silent but strong sobs raking through his whole body.  
the only way for kuroo to know kenma was actually crying was from the trembling of his love’s much smaller body, shaking as if kenma was being rocked away by the strongest of winds.

lips resting on the crown of the setter’s head, left arm rubbing comforting circles into his shoulder, not a single word was uttered that night. they didn’t have to. heartbreak was too loud and heavy in the room for them to say anything. 

they never talked about it again.

their teammates knew about kenma’s heartbreak but they weren’t perceptive enough, or maybe they were actually too caring to mention it too often.

some “stop being friends with him then” were sometimes mumbled by them though, always met with a scoff and a shaking of kenma’s head for sole answer. 

kuroo could get that, if he was being honest. 

how could he not when he was himself still constantly sticking around a guy he was mad for but who’s heart had already been claimed by another ?

but kuroo knew his best friend better than anyone, and he could tell the younger one was still having a rough time handling all of it.  
the soft reaching for kuroo’s sleeve when passing by the infamous karasuno couple, the occasional lulling of his head on kuroo’s shoulder on the ride home when kenma was tired of putting up with everything the whole day, the tender touches he’d allow kuroo to give him when they were alone.  
they all gave him away, kenma wasn’t moving on.

kuroo despised himself for enjoying it.  
he hated himself for thinking “maybe, just maybe, he’s coming to his senses, maybe he finally sees me.”  
he disappointed himself for selfishly holding onto that sliver of hope when kenma was so painfully holding onto him to hang on.

kuroo just couldn’t let him go, not right now.

when kuroo left high school at the end of his third year, kenma allowed him to hug him “but only for 5 seconds, as a reward. any longer and i’ll kick your ass”.  
kuroo couldn’t stop smiling.

it was all so bittersweet, loving kenma.  
it was like waiting the entirety of a rainy day to catch a fleeting shimmer of light finding its way through the clouds.

but kuroo didn’t think the wait would be so long and so painful.

kenma moved in with him after graduating, their respective colleges being only a few blocks apart.

it felt comforting having kenma in his apartment, warm.

kuroo could witness him just being himself every morning, messy hair coming out of his bun as he ate his ridiculously small breakfast with the sternest expression he could muster.  
kuroo could come home to him some nights, waiting on the couch with a dvd in his hand and the faint smell of a pizza he was reheating floating in the apartment as he waited for his roommate to get back from school.  
kuroo could spend entire weekends with him, sitting side by side on the couch, kenma mindlessly playing a game while kuroo reads and tells him about every detail in the book that just doesn’t make sense. just the two of them, chuckling silently with a cup of coffee and a mug of hot chocolate resting on the table in front of them.

the domesticity of it all might be the death of kuroo one of these days.  
he swears if kenma brushes his hand gently against his back while he’s cooking to silently ask him to step aside once more, kuroo might just propose to him right then and there.

but he restrains himself so he won’t act upon his feelings, because he’s painfully aware that it isn’t worth it.

kuroo was reminded of that everytime kenma came home after hanging out with hinata for the day, the shadow of a sad smile still adorning his lips.  
no matter whatever mercy kenma might unconsciously show him when they were together, he still didn’t see him as what kuroo could be if he just gave him the chance.

they both dated other people on and off every now and then, but they also both knew they had their heart set upon someone else.  
kuroo belongs with kenma and kenma belongs with hinata.  
that’s just how it would always be.

the day kageyama and hinata broke up, kenma rushed to the redhead’s apartment as soon as he asked him to come over, in the middle of dinner.  
kuroo watched him sprint out the door with pained eyes, realizing the beacon of hope he had unwillingly been nurturing ever since kenma moved in with him just disappeared.

kuroo became a little bitter afterwards.  
he wanted to be happy for kenma when he saw him just lounging on the couch with hinata beside him.  
he wanted to be happy for kenma when he saw him smiling fondly at hinata who was cooking him dinner.  
he wanted to be happy for kenma when he saw him shamelessly flirting with a very dense hinata.

he really wanted to, with everything that he had, but he just couldn’t.

until one day, kenma came back home from an afternoon of shopping with hinata, a dumb smile tugging at his lips while he folded his clothes on the living room table.

« oi, kenma. what’s gotten into you, you’re being all smiles and chuckles it’s getting really weird. »  
« no, i’m not. »

kenma brushed off kuroo’s comment, he tried to get past the annoying tone his best friend had been using constantly lately.  
whatever the reason kuroo was in a bad mood, he wouldn’t tell him. so he decided to avoid the issue until he would.

plus, he actually had some good news today and he wanted to share it with him.

« it’s just... it’s nothing. hinata asked me out today. like on a real date. »

kenma didn’t know what he expected.  
maybe he expected a playful cheer from kuroo while he’d immediately ask him to tone it down because he couldn’t stand his teasing.  
maybe he expected kuroo to jump out of his seat to congratulate him and give him some uncalled for advice on his dating life.  
maybe a pat on the back, maybe an “i told you it was worth the wait”, maybe a few shouts full of joy and enthusiasm.

what he didn’t expect though was the deep sigh that came from kuroo’s parted lips and the intense silence that followed his announcement.

kenma knew kuroo’s behavior would lead to a fight one of these days, but he really didn’t want it to be now.

« what is it now, kuro ? »  
« i’m gonna be brutally honest with you here because i feel i have to. it’s not a good idea for you to go out with the shrimp. »

kenma immediately spun on his heel to face him, irritation clearly visible on his face from his best friend’s shitty behavior, sarcasm evident in his tone.

« well, i’m going to try to stay calm and ask you why in hell you would think that ? »

kuroo bites back the “because i would be a better match for you” that’s threatening to roll off his tongue any moment now.  
this isn’t about him, this is about kenma’s well-being.

« think about it. he dated kageyma for, what, four years or something ? they broke up three months ago. how could you believe he’s actually moved on already ? »

kuroo’s surprisingly good at keeping his tone even and cool while simultaneously being only motivated by rage. he knew just where to accentuate his words for them to have the most impact, for them to actually make kenma wonder, for them to destabilize him and anger him even further.

« i’m not saying he has, i’m saying he’s trying to. i do believe he has the right to go back to dating because he’s fucking single, kuro ! »  
« and so what ? you’re telling me you wanna be his rebound, is that what you want ? do you wanna be as devastated as you were in high school ? »  
« of course not ! i just- »  
« then, please, go on and be my guest ! tell me just what you think you’re gonna get out of this relation- »  
« i just want to be with him ! »

kenma’s crying this time, only sound breaking the heavy silence that made room for itself at his sudden outburst. he’s crying loudly, ugly sobs lacing themselves through his words as he desperately begs them to reach kuroo, to make him understand. 

because if he isn’t supportive of him then what’s the point ?

« i’ve wanted to be with him for years... why can’t you understand that ? i had to watch him experience love for the first time from the sidelines and i... i don’t want to be just a witness anymore. » 

kenma pauses, pondering whether or not he should let out the words that are torturously burning his tongue. he’s being vulnerable right now, and that’s something he hates to be, even in front of his childhood friend. he too wants to push kuroo’s buttons, to coerce a reaction out of him other than contempt. 

and in the end, those words he’s been keeping inside eventually slip out.

« not like i’d expect you to actually be comprehensive though, you’ve never been serious with anyone you’ve ever dated, not even once in your whole damn life. »

he doesn’t know if he actually regrets his words as he finishes his sentence with a scoff. he’s fueled by anger and disbelief, his blood is boiling and he doesn’t care enough to hold back the poisonous remarks his mind automatically makes up for him because why is kuroo taking this so fucking personal ?

fuck, this is hinata they were talking about here. kuroo of all people should know just how much of a big deal this is to him.

kuroo finds himself looking down and away from kenma.  
unbeknownst to kenma, he understands. and because he understands way too much, he’s able to tell him exactly why this relationship won’t bring him any good.

because deep down he knew that if it were him in his place, that if kenma was ever to give him a chance, he still wouldn’t love him. 

kenma didn’t and would never love kuroo as strongly, as firmly, as feverishly as he loves hinata. that’s just how it is.  
and kuroo doesn’t want to have to live up to this crazy standard of a man who will always be the ideal one in kenma’s eyes.  
as much as he loves him, he doesn’t want to be a replacement for another guy. he doesn’t want to be someone that kenma settles on simply because he will never get his first choice.

that’s exactly the same situation kenma and hinata are going to have to live through if they actually start dating.

and as realization dawns upon him, kuroo comes to terms with a reality he had tried for so long to vehemently deny and ignore.

he had to let kenma go, for his own sanity.

« do as you wish, kenma. it’s not my job to baby you anymore, you’re old enough to make your own decisions. »

kenma’s mouth hangs open as he watches his best friend, the person who knew him like no one else ever would, shift into an unattainable stranger.

he’d expected a reaction, a full on argument, just something... anything. anything but kuroo backing out of this fight.

as he goes to lock himself up in his room, the former captain turns around one last time, expressionless features facing kenma’s tear-stained face.

« just know that this time, i won’t lend you my shoulder to cry on. »

the door closes behind kuroo’s imposing retreating form.

kenma had never been this confused.  
he was so ecstatic just 15 minutes ago, coming home to tell his best friend that he finally got the guy.

how did it even come to this ?  
but more importantly, why did it come to this ?  
why did kuroo get so upset about him going on a date with hinata ? why the sudden shift in his behavior ? 

why did that last statement sound so much and so harshly like a goodbye ?

their friendship was never the same after that. 

to anyone else it might have looked like they apologized or at least made up and moved on. after all, they still acted the way they always did around each other : kuroo’s playful teasing never ceased and kenma kept on answering him with his usual snarky comebacks.

but it was different. almost unnoticeably so, but it was different.

they didn’t feel as confident, as safe as they used to around each other.

kenma wouldn’t sprawl his entire body on the couch, legs resting on kuroo’s lap during movie nights anymore. instead, he’d sit with his knees up to his chest, putting as much distance between them as he could.  
kuroo wouldn’t pester kenma about eating proper meals anymore. he’d just leave the leftovers on the counter and let kenma decide just how much he wanted to eat.  
kenma wouldn’t put his chin on kuroo’s shoulder when he watched him finish to do his school work so they could get dinner anymore. now he would just wait for hinata to come pick him up without a word said to his roommate.  
kuroo wouldn’t leave his little notes adorned with cheesy science puns on every furniture of the apartment anymore. now you can always find that thin layer of dust on the pile of post its that rest untouched on his desk.

kenma found solace in his blooming relationship with hinata, though.  
it was pure bliss finally being able to call the guy he’s been in love with for four years his.

the first time the redhead kissed him, kenma felt like his heart might burst. it wasn’t butterflies in his stomach, it was an actual furnace burning him up from the inside.  
love was tugging at every inch of his body as if to say pull him closer, never let him go.

but the honeymoon phase could only last so long.

kenma couldn’t ignore the slightly disappointed look that would sometimes involuntarily wash over hinata’s features when they’d pull away from a kiss.  
kenma couldn’t ignore the way hinata always seemed to slow down his steps, frantically looking around when they’d pass by someone with dark blue hair during a date.  
kenma couldn’t ignore the soft whimpers of kageyama’s name that would sometimes slither out of hinata’s lips when he was fast asleep.

and kenma knows hinata doesn’t mean to do so, he never does. 

he’d always get such a guilty look on his face whenever he’d notice his bad habits resurfacing, and he’d instantly lace his fingers with kenma’s, lips lingering on his boyfriend’s cheek, so many “i’m sorry” left unsaid.

hinata couldn’t apologize aloud, because that would mean he’d be admitting to his sin.  
it would mean admitting he still loved another while already being in a relationship.

kenma wasn’t mad at him. how could he be ? it wasn’t hinata’s fault that he was caught up in someone else’s web. 

kenma loved him, and so he agreed when hinata told him they should put an end to this relationship for both their sakes.  
and during the entirety of their conversation, kenma couldn’t stop thinking “damn, kuro was right”.

kuroo wished he didn’t care.  
kuroo wished he had more resolve.

but when he came back that night to see kenma sitting cross-legged on his couch, fingers gripping his controller so tightly his hands must have gone numb, kuroo couldn’t help it.  
his heart was tugging him towards kenma, the only man he probably would ever love so hard ; telling him to sit beside him, right were he always belonged, to comfort him once again.

but this time, kuroo didn’t allow himself to listen to his heart.  
he had been here for so long, comforting kenma without expecting anything in return while still harboring such deep feelings for the man.

kuroo was tired. he was 21 now, he couldn’t afford to be hung up on someone who would never return his love quite the way he wants.

so he slipped off his coat, adjusting his scarf on the hanger so it wouldn’t fall, took off his shoes and walked over to kenma.

he didn’t even spare him a glance.  
he simply lay the palm of his hand firmly on the top of kenma’s head, a sign that he was there, but not like he used to. 

it wasn’t meant to be a comforting caress this time.

« don’t say i didn’t warn you. »

a heart shattering pause.

« so get your shit together now. »

he didn’t let himself assess the widening of kenma’s eyes at his remark.  
he took off his hand quickly, as if the short-lived contact had burned his skin, before going over to his room and closing the door.

kuroo couldn’t live off whatever attention or subtle affection kenma could give him anymore. he couldn’t keep coming back to someone who would never see him the way he wants him to, like a loyal dog. he couldn’t hang on to that faint beacon of hope that would light up in him whenever kenma decided he could, no should, give kuroo what he craved.

it was over. he didn’t want kenma’s mercy no more.


End file.
